7 Steps for Blended Families to Thrive

According to the US Census Bureau, over 50% of American families are remarried or re-coupled. Blended families, where partners come together with children from previous relationships, require special attention and effort to create a successful and harmonious family life.  So, here are a 7 things you can do to ensure your blended family thrives: 

1. Have realistic expectations:  Understand that blending families takes time (sometimes 10 years) and a lot of intentional planning and effort.  Be patient and realistic about the challenges that may arise during the process.

2. Prioritize your relationship:  Research by The Gottman Institute found that the strength of a couple’s relationship ultimately determines the family’s success.  So, nurture the bond between you and your partner.  Regularly invest in quality time together and communicate gently and honestly.

3. Create a new family culture:  Develop new traditions, rituals, and rules that reflect the values and needs of your new blended family.  Some of these new traditions can be meals together, summer vacations, family storytime at bedtime, weekly drives.  Weekly "spouse only" romantic dinners are also helpful for the new family unit as children need to see a strong alliance between the new partners.  Involve all family members in decision-making about new traditions to foster a sense of belonging while knowing the biological parent and the step-parent (the new team) have the final say.

4. Support co-parenting relationships:  Encourage positive relationships between your partner and their ex-partner.  Respect boundaries, communicate effectively, and focus on the children's wellbeing.  The step-parent should not attempt to parent a step-child.  This task belongs to the biological parents.  Step-children see parenting by a step-parent as a sign that their biological parent can not or will not parent them or that the step-parent is stealing that role from their biological parent.

5. Nurture individual relationships:  Foster strong bonds with each child in the family.  Spend one-on-one time with them, show interest in their lives, and be a reliable source of support.  The step-parents #1 job is to develop a relationship with the step-children.  Do not give up asking for time together if the step-child says “no” when you ask.

6. Be understanding:  It is completely natural that a step-child may be confused, angry, scared, defiant, standoffish and loyal to the ex-partner.  The step-child may even feel like taking the step-dad up on his offer to go to the movies as taking sides against his biological father.  Here is where patience comes in handy.    

7. Seek support when needed:  75% of stepfamilies complain of "not having access to resources as a stepfamily," according to a recent Stepfamily Foundation survey of 2000 web questionnaires.  Reach out to support groups, therapists, or counselors specializing in blended families.  They can provide guidance and tools for navigating the unique challenges you may face.  Also, consider this book - The Intentional Family:  Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties by William J. Doherty.  It is an excellent book for biological parents and step-parents.  

Building a thriving blended family takes patience, understanding, and consistent effort, but you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Marilyn Verbiscer, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 25 years of experience, is here to help you and your family find the balance and harmony you deserve. If you're ready to take the next step towards a stronger, more unified family, reach out to Marilyn at Thrive for Life Counseling today. Together, we can make your blended family thrive.